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World Of Peeball - Stars |
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England is seventh in the World Peeball Rankings at the time of writing, its highest position since
the triumph of 1966 (see History). Although the squad for the forthcoming European Championships won't
be announced for at least another six months, Peeball writer Clark Dribble profiles the men he believes
will be heading to Berlin in search of immortality.
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| Captain Codpiece - The Able Seaman |
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Is there a more exciting and flamboyant personality in Peeball than Captain Codpiece (real name Morgan
Marks)? A successful career in the Navy, where the name Seaman Marks was mentioned in hushed breaths,
was cut short by an unfortunate accident involving a potato peeler and a Thai ladyboy.
The Navy's loss however, was Peeball's gain as Marks, operating under the moniker Captain Codpiece,
has risen to the very top of the British game in the last two years - breaking records and wowing
fans into the bargain.
"Peeball's supposed to be entertainment," explains the Captain. "Sure, the ball has to be
dispatched, but there's no need to take a conservative approach to the game. One hand's free, so why not
use it? Get it in the air and be creative. The fans deserve to see what an exciting game Peeball can
be".
Developed through years of weeing on the stormiest seas, the Captain's remarkable balance at the urinal
sets his apart from the all but the very best Peeballers.
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| Matt Slash |
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There are few more daunting sights in British sport than witnessing Matt Slash
stepping up to the porcelain. The hirsute hoseman has made Surrey's urinals a
no-go area for the last decade with his take no prisoners approach to the game.
Critics have accused him of cynical peeing over the years, but it is this merciless
approach to competition that has made him the Peeball Pro Supporters Association
Player of the Year five times in the last eight years.
Not noted as a Tricks specialist, his unexpectedly versatile push in the 1999 UK
Masters capped a memorable year in which he also took the Peeballers and Peeball
Writers Player of the Year. Having recently expanded is repertoire to include Power
Peeball, Slash of the few players who can expect to go under 12 seconds any time he
takes the stand. Be warned, Matt Slash is never afraid to ruffle feathers or,
more typically, splash stray boots.
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| Harry 'The Bladder' England |
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Don't let anyone ever tell you Peeballers aren't athletes. Harry's supple abdomen
disguises a pure sportsman who can still run 100 metres in less than 10 minutes. An
endurance specialist in Peeball Pro, pubs in his home town of Luton line up at least
ten pints of lager and clean the urinals in anticipation of his arrival, as his
passion of the game remains undiluted despite years of top level clashes.
Harry has been the South-East's endurance champion five times from 1994-2000 and has
a well-earned reputation as a mild-mannered competitor who can turn into a tiger when
riled. The last man who did that (Nick "Two Stream" King) never competed professionally
after an accusation of watch-rigging. King's massive rectal injuries were, according
to medical reports, caused by the violent insertion of a bag of pork scratchings.
Luckily for England, King had already been forced to eat the evidence. Approach with
caution.
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| Charlie "Wild Man" Cockram |
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Having taken up the game at the relatively late age of 28 Cockram has made himself an
essential element of the English side. Indeed, it's arguable that he is the most promising
Power Peeballer in the country. Famed for his eccentric behaviour, his outbursts at
the press conference following an incident where he clearly aimed at a spectator -
"When the sewage blocks the flow, the seagulls pick up the scraps" - have yet to be
deciphered.
Certainly Charlie's peculiar manner has not won him many friends within the Peeballing
community, but for many fans, his innovative and fresh approach provided an exciting
injection to the entire sport
"I believe Power skills are at the heart of peeballing," Charlie said in a recent
interview with The Guardian, "Not everyone has the capacity to urinate for five minutes
but anyone with a couple of pints and some imagination can enjoy their time in
the gents". Too true.
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If you think you can compete with these giants of the Game, please send details of your accomplishments along with photos and a biography.
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